Dear President Trump,
I write to you with utmost gratitude for your visionary Gold Card program. The $5 million citizenship deal is truly a stroke of brilliance! Truly, a scheme so elegant, so clever, it’s as if it fell straight from the heavens into the lap of the ultra-wealthy like some divine windfall. Such an inspired idea. I, for one, am deeply touched by your dedication to making our country the best flea market for the world's most influential oligarchs, billionaires, and strongmen who like to pay cash. After all, what good is a nation if it can't be bought a few wads at a time?
The Bronze Quandary
Regrettably, my humble circumstances only qualify me for the “Bronze Card.” Alas! My pathetic status barely scratches the surface of eligibility for the coveted Gold Card. In my current standing, I am relegated to the “$3 million” ceiling and burdened by a staggering 85% tariff, which—if I understand correctly—will be collected by DOGE’s Teen Team via their smartphones. I’d like to say I’m proud to be a part of such a sophisticated system, but alas, I feel more like a pawn in a chess game of international real estate, only my pawn is worth $3 million.
Climbing the Ladder: Silver Dreams
But fear not, dear leader! I will not rest on my Bronze laurels. No, I shall strive to ascend! For I plan to work tirelessly—by which I mean, I will flip some questionable NFTs and maybe sell a few obscure pieces of abstract art—to increase my Migrant Credit Score. I’ve heard rumors that once I hit the Silver Card Program tier, I can legally sell my citizenship to safe, booming countries like North Korea, Russia, China, or Hungary. Yes, these “Ultra Safe Countries” (USC Zone, for short) are waiting with open arms to take in my newly “acquired” allegiance. How exhilarating it is to imagine spending my final days in one of these bastions of safety, sipping vodka at an extravagant banquet hosted by a shady oligarch at a beach resort along the Black Sea!
The Elusive Gold Card
But let's be honest, Mr. President. I don’t hold much hope of ever joining the elite ranks of the Gold Card holders. The Gold Card, as I understand, it entitles one to sell the US citizenship for a mere $5 million to just any citizen of any country with any criminal background of any kind...even from those perilous, untrustworthy and disloyal regions like France, Denmark, unexplored zones like California, and inhabitable dwellings like Canada, though they sort of speak English. Note that at time of writing California had not seceded yet and is still part of the US. Technically speaking. The Gold Card does open doors to a truly glamorous world in the USA for those coming from one of those “less secure countries” (LSC Zone) for just $5 million, (5% discount if paid in dogecoin).
Settling for $3 Million
In the meantime, I will settle for whatever comes my way, as I am but a humble servant of the system, I mean, the country. The first bidder who coughs up $3 million will surely be granted my full cooperation in selling my citizenship. In terms of payment, I would prefer a simple, non-taxable transaction via crypto to an undisclosed wallet preferably not dogecoin, far from the prying eyes of the IRS. Or, perhaps, by the time my deal goes through, I’ll be “fortunate” enough to qualify for your Platinum Card—allowing any poor American millionaires to never pay taxes again, except voluntarily to your cause via the Millionaire Patriot “El Lago” Act (MPA).
The Fog of the Post-Sale Future
Now, as we draw the curtains on this exciting journey, one philosophical question remains lingering in my fevered mind: After I’ve sold my citizenship, where does that leave me? Where will I be deported to? Do I end up on a dingy boat, sailing toward an uncertain fate ridding the rough seas? Or perhaps I’ll get dropped off in some offshore haven like the Bahamas, sipping rum and chuckling to myself about how I pulled off the greatest deal of the century. Regardless, I suspect that once the transaction is complete, I will no longer be a citizen of any country—just a free agent, like an international man of mystery.
A Noble Cause (While I Still Can)
Now, you may wonder what I plan to do with all this newfound wealth. Fear not, for I have already pledged half of my earnings to an NGO dedicated to rescuing wasted food from dumpsters and turning it into nourishing meals for millions of hungry souls. After all, with your government’s stellar track record on US AID, I figured I’d do my part to help out. At least, until the citizenship sale goes through and I’m no longer bound by such obligations. Just trying to help while I’m still a citizen—what else can one do?
The Final Knock
But in case this all goes sideways, I suppose I’ll take a moment to reflect when ICE comes knocking at my door, demanding I surrender as an illegal migrant, and relinquish my expired Bronze card along with my ill-gotten gains. Well, if I open the door—and I’m inclined to believe I still have the constitutional right to do so—I'll ask them how much they would pay for a nice little piece of American history: my citizenship. I sure would give them a good deal. As long as they are dressed properly.
Sincerely yours,
A Disillusioned Patriot (for now)
Roman Gana
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