By Roman Gana
Somewhere in the world.
Two weeks before some election.
I’ll admit it. I’ve been on the fence for a while.
The promises, the spectacle, the hats—it’s all been quite the performance. But there are just a few key issues where, you know, I need a little extra nudge. I’m not saying I wouldn’t join the MAGA campaign, but I need a bit more assurance from The Don himself. You see, I’d only join if I could trust him with the serious projects he's laid out. And let's be honest, who doesn’t love a guy with plans as groundbreaking as these?
Freedom of Speech: But Only If You Agree
The First Amendment has always been a hot topic, and I, for one, admire Trump's innovative take on it. I mean, when he suggested sending the Marines after people who disagreed with him once he’s re-elected? Brilliant. What better way to defend free speech than by ensuring nobody actually uses it? It’s like a masterclass in irony. We wouldn’t want any nasty debates or “facts” getting in the way of a good ol' dictatorship—I mean, democracy, right? After all, too much disagreement can get messy, and isn't it just easier when everyone thinks alike? Especially when they think like Trump.
A Gator-Filled Rio Grande: The Immigration Plan of Champions
When Trump laid out his immigration plan, I couldn’t believe the genius of it. Forget walls, technology, or diplomacy—those are for amateurs. Real leaders throw poisonous snakes and alligators into the Rio Grande to stop people from crossing. It’s humane, really. After all, it's not about keeping people out; it's about making the journey across the border more... adventurous. Survival of the fittest, right? And nothing says “welcome to America” like dodging carnivorous reptiles. Just imagine: the Border Patrol as part-time zookeepers! Truly, this is forward-thinking at its finest.
Bleach: The Miracle Cure We Didn’t Know We Needed
Now, on to Trump’s health policy.
How can anyone forget his beautifully simple solution to the COVID crisis—rinsing out your mouth with bleach? Genius, right? Who needs years of scientific research when you can just gargle your way to health? I’m honestly disappointed that this idea didn’t catch on more. The bleach companies could’ve made a fortune, and we could’ve avoided all those pesky mask mandates and vaccines. It’s such a shame we never got to see the full potential of his health plan. I, for one, would’ve invested heavily in Clorox stock. Missed opportunity, America.
Buying Greenland: A Real Estate Deal for the Ages
You know what would really shoot up the economy? Buying Greenland.
It’s an untapped gem, and Trump, in his geopolitical brilliance, saw that. I don’t know why people laughed at the idea. Who cares if Denmark owns it? I’m pretty sure that’s just a Google conspiracy anyway. The "Denmarkians" are probably in cahoots with the "Newyorkians", spreading fake news to hide the truth. It’s the perfect investment, and once Greenland is ours, we can build Trump Towers on every iceberg. Imagine the luxury Arctic resorts! Talk about melting hearts—literally and figuratively.
The Cultural Genius of Trump: Learning the Dance of the YMCA Tribe
There’s something truly special about a leader who connects with culture. And Trump’s connection? The cultural dance of the YMCA tribe, which, as we all know, erupted during the medieval era. Sure, some historians might argue the YMCA wasn’t exactly a tribe, nor was it medieval, but who needs facts when you’ve got the power of feeling? I’m telling you, if Trump can master the ancient art of the YMCA, I’ll sign up for his campaign tomorrow. The man knows his culture, folks. Move over Shakespeare, we’ve got Trump doing the arm motions to “Macho Man.”
Paying Off an Iranian Ship Captain: Economics at Its Best
Another one of Trump’s underappreciated strokes of genius: offering to pay off an Iranian ship captain to stop whatever he was doing. I mean, diplomacy is so old-fashioned. Why waste time with talks and negotiations when you can just bribe people? It’s so simple! Not to mention cost-effective. This was a brilliant solution that no one, of course, gave him credit for. Clearly, the rest of the world just isn’t ready for Trump's forward-thinking financial strategies. Paying off international problems one at a time? Who knew world peace could be so... transactional?
International Relations: Let’s Investigate Biden and Call It a Day
In the realm of international relations, Trump absolutely shines.
Take his bold move to suggest that the President of China investigate President Biden. Not sure how that plays out on the world stage, but who needs actual diplomacy when you can casually throw out requests like that? Besides, I hope XI gets a copy of Trump’s Bible. Not the 60 dollar, leather one for the Azurazians back home, oh no, the one with the golden cover, signed and everything for the bargain wholesale price of $3 a piece. Did Xi pay tariffs on that, I wonder? The mysteries of international relations are so deep, but who better than Trump to dive in headfirst with no life jacket?
Controlling the Weather: Make It Rain (Berries)
Finally, the pièce de résistance: weather control.
Until Trump can prove that he has direct control over where and when it rains, I’m holding off on jumping on top of the MAGA bus. I need to know that when a drought hits the Midwest, he’ll be there to personally order the clouds to stagnate and pour rain. Especially over the blueberry fields. It’s vital that all good Americans get their patriotic blueberry donuts, and I will only support a leader who guarantees that he gets 4% royalties from every donut sold in AmeriMAGA. Is that too much to ask? I didn’t think so.
In conclusion, I must admit the unequivocal reality, I’m still undecided.
The promises are great, but until I see some solid proof—preferably involving alligators, bleach, and, after Louisiana, The Great Greenland Purchase—I’ll stay on the fence.
You know, where the snakes can’t reach me.
Roman Gana
(Roman Gana is the Editor-in-Chief of the Leyte Herald)
He sounds like a surreal cartoon character yet frightening the world.